kaberett: Clyde the tortoise from Elementary, crawling across a map, with a red tape cross on his back. (elementary-emergency-clyde)
[personal profile] kaberett
I have been meaning to write this up for a while and have just had cause to do so elsenet; ergo, have a copy of Alex's Algorithm For Choosing A New GP. It has served me pretty well thus far.

Comments and additions welcome, as ever. :-)

Read more... )

It's Hard To Let You Go.

Jul. 22nd, 2017 11:23 am
rionaleonhart: final fantasy x-2: the sun is rising, yuna looks to the future. (hope is all we have)
[personal profile] rionaleonhart
I've never grieved for a public figure like this before. I'm not sure I even realised it was possible. I loved Hybrid Theory so much when it first came out, but I didn't really get to know the band members as individuals until the concert a few weeks ago, so it's a weird double-punch of 'he's been important to you since you were a child' and 'you didn't know him for long enough'.

My birthday was two days before Chester's death, and [livejournal.com profile] th_esaurus gave me a DVD of Linkin Park's 2010 'Shadow of the Day' concert in Madrid. I was actually watching it when the news broke, and, unsurprisingly, I didn't finish it that day. I couldn't contemplate watching it yesterday, either, when I hadn't slept enough and I was still intermittently crying and I could barely eat. (Getting tearful again typing this, come on. I'll move past this, I'll be okay.) But this morning, after a full night's sleep, I started it up where I had left off, in the hope it might offer some sort of catharsis.

I think it helped.

Below the cut are the text messages I sent to [livejournal.com profile] th_esaurus while I was watching, both before and after. I'll spare you the messages I sent at the moment I actually learnt the news.


Linkin Park, 'Shadow of the Day' concert DVD, interrupted reactions. )


Thank you for everything, Chester. I wish you hadn't left us. I wish we could have spoken. You'll be missed.

Leave Out All The Rest.

Jul. 20th, 2017 08:38 pm
rionaleonhart: final fantasy x-2: the sun is rising, yuna looks to the future. (Default)
[personal profile] rionaleonhart
Chester Bennington has died.

I'm devastated.

You were a big part of my early teens. I thought going to see Linkin Park in concert would just be a fun nostalgic thing, but you were so good on stage. I've been hoping I might be able to see you perform again ever since then. I can't believe it was only on the third of this month.

I'm glad I was able to see you once, at least.

Thank you for giving me so much joy over the last fortnight. And, on a less intense level, thank you for the joy you've given me over the last seventeen years. Also, fuck you slightly for being the reason I've been sitting here and crying for the last hour? (I'm trying to proofread this entry right now, and I can't see the screen through my tears.)

But 'Leave Out All the Rest' asks us to forget the wrongs that you've done. So I'll forgive you, I suppose. When I'm not quite such a wreck.

It also says, 'Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed.' I think you left behind your own reasons.

There'll never be another.

God, I fell so hard for you and we never even met.


Confusing What Is Real.

Jul. 20th, 2017 11:21 am
rionaleonhart: the mentalist: lisbon, afraid but brave, makes an important call. (it's been an honour)
[personal profile] rionaleonhart
Hmm, I thought. As I love the music video for 'Heavy' so much, maybe I should check out some other Linkin Park videos and see whether they spark any writing inspiration.

(Did I forget for a moment that I'm supposed to be trying not to write Linkin Park fanfiction? Er, possibly. I maintain that music video fanfiction doesn't count.)

I'm now deeply conflicted over the video for 'Leave Out All the Rest', which depicts the band on a spaceship that ends up drifting into a star. On the one hand, hey, an interesting AU setting! On the other, it's an interesting AU setting that I never want to write about, because it sets off my fear of space very badly.

I'm also intrigued by the 'In the End' video, with its charmingly turn-of-the-millennium graphics and young Chester being an attractive little shit (his smirk in the bridge!), in which they sing a desiccated wasteland back to life and for some reason there are flying whales. It's a strangely hopeful video for a song with hopeless lyrics. You tried so hard and got so far, in the end it doesn't even matter, but the video is telling you that you can move past this. Your life still has the capacity for beauty and flying whales.


THE BOOKENING TITLE #14: The Girl on the Train, Paula Hawkins

A real book! An actual, proper book that non-fannish people have read!

This is not my usual reading fare, but I enjoyed it! I was interested, but not invested, if that makes sense. Most of the time, when I was actually reading it, I was gripped. When I wasn't reading it, though, I didn't think about it at all. So I'd tear through a hundred pages in a sitting, and then I wouldn't touch it for days; there was never any point where I thought 'wow, I can't wait to get back to that book' or found myself speculating on the solution to the central mystery. This was a book that only existed when it was in my hands.

The main character struggled with self-loathing, made terrible decisions and couldn't trust her own perception of reality, which are all qualities I enjoy in fictional characters (I repeat: the music video for 'Heavy' is so good). I also liked the way she made her own personal fandom out of the people she saw from the train, and then basically self-inserted. Everyone in this book is very difficult to like (poor Cathy is the only half-decent person in a sea of arseholes), but I did end up with a touch of fondness for Rachel, and I really liked the scenes between her and Anna towards the end.

an amusing confluence

Jul. 19th, 2017 11:03 am
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
[personal profile] kaberett
1. Mr Men In London (press release); official merch; Londonist.

2. The Tube is dropping "ladies and gentlemen" as a passenger greeting.


Ergo: 3. Who do I gotta hassle to make e.g. "Mx Cool" and "Little Mx Stubborn" etc happen?

dispatches

Jul. 16th, 2017 10:13 am
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
[personal profile] kaberett
So far today I have spontaneously woken up before 9am, un/loaded the dishwasher, and made myself pancakes (using batter from the freezer; thank you, past Alex). I do not feel a pressing need to immediately go back to sleep.

Yesterday, I swapped over which brand of fexofenadine I was taking (Chanelle Medical to Dr Reddy's, self), had an afternoon nap, and woke up feeling actually refreshed.

I don't care if this is entirely placebo effect, I'll take it.

(I'm pretty sure it's not, though -- I think my post-nasal drip is also reducing again. So.)
rionaleonhart: the mentalist: lisbon, afraid but brave, makes an important call. (it's been an honour)
[personal profile] rionaleonhart
Okay, look, this doesn't count as Linkin Park fanfiction. It's fanfiction for a music video. It's completely different.

(I never thought I'd write fanfiction for a canon that's less than three minutes long.)

I had to tie myself to a door when researching this.


Title: Keep Spinning
Fandom: the music video for Linkin Park's 'Heavy'
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 1,900
Summary: Two broken people, trying to hold each other together.


Keep Spinning )
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
[personal profile] kaberett
This week I finally got around to seeing what happened if I tried making Kardemummebullar, seeing as I tend to want to eat them more often than I'm in Sweden. Recipe taken from BBC Good Food, and archived against that august institution's eventual demise.

Read more... )
frith_in_thorns: (.Bookmark leaf)
[personal profile] frith_in_thorns
I am supposed to be asleep, but instead Ellie and I have been accidentally planning out a future-fic sequel to Jill Murphy's The Worst Witch children's book series where Mildred and Maud are grown up and married. It's called The Worst Wife. They have a very loving and happy and catastrophe-filled marriage and are so cute at each other that their friends are all sickened, while being occasionally guilt-stricken and sure that they are The Worst.

Highlights include:

- They invite literally everyone from school to their wedding. Including Miss Hardbroom, whom they are still rather scared of, but obviously it is The Right Thing To Do. HB is completely baffled by being invited and continues being baffled at the Most Chaotic Wedding of the century. All the food gets mixed up, there is loud and cheerful family everywhere, both sets of grannies think they've been chosen to make the wedding cake because neither Mildred nor Maud were capable of saying no to them.

- Miss Cackle drinks sherry through the entire wedding, has a wonderful time, and keeps a framed photo of M&M on her office wall. Surrounded by decorative bats.

- M&M are very dedicated Old Girls and go to all the school events and tell all the current girls about the splendid times they had. HB continues to be confused by this remembrance of events.

- Their house is a complete chaotic mess all the time. Both M&M feel very guilty about this. They are both sure that they are dreadful and not sure at all why their wife puts up with them.

- Whenever friends come over M&M rush around trying to make it sort of habitable and desperately explaining that it doesn't usually look this bad, they've just been really busy lately and they really meant to clear away that magical accident detritus and they can actually be organised and their friends are just like ...No.

- Adventures in married life include When We Were Stuck Outside For Hours Because Our Key Turned Into A Fish. And the fish seemed happy as a fish and they feel bad about wanting to turn it back into a key, and can't bring themselves to do this, and after some convoluted method of Mildred climbing through the second-floor window they keep the fish in a tank and are forever anxious about the cats trying to eat it.

- Adventures also include Let's Make A Lovely Meal And Have A Romantic Evening Together Oh No.

- And also Maud Takes Up Knitting And Encodes Dangerous Sigils Into Her Blankets (before the day is saved by the cats ripping it all up)

- "If you were a bat you'd be the prettiest bat ever," Mildred coos to Maud, right before all their friends try and force them to drink Silencing Potions.

- Adventures In DIY Spells also feature heavily. Mildred especially has big ideas for home decoration.


...None of this is based at all on me and Ellie, why would you think that.
rionaleonhart: okami: amaterasu is startled. (NOT SO FAST)
[personal profile] rionaleonhart
The sudden flood of Linkin Park posting will die down eventually, I promise! I love being into something in an enthusiastic, 'compelled to talk about it constantly' way, but my real-life friends who are into Linkin Park are more interested in normal 'what's your favourite song?' conversations than in 'let's discuss the strange intensity of Chester's eyes for seven hours', so I just end up throwing all that enthusiasm into my Dreamwidth.

I'm starting to feel that Linkin Park are personally poking needles into my resolution not to write fanfiction. I've only just watched the music video for 'Heavy', and !!!!! it features Chester screaming at himself and beating himself up and then being dragged out of his psychological breakdown and comforted by an equally broken person, HOW DID YOU PUT SEVERAL OF MY FAVOURITE FICTIONAL TROPES IN A MUSIC VIDEO.

'Heavy' isn't one of my favourite Linkin Park tracks, but it's catchy and I like it and it worked really well live. I was actually pleasantly surprised when I first heard it, because for months I'd been seeing 'this is so good, UNLIKE HEAVY, THE WORST SONG EVER MADE' comments on every Linkin Park song I listened to. I had to brace myself to listen to the song; I was confused but pleased to find myself enjoying it!

'Heavy' and the other songs on One More Light are very different from Linkin Park's older work, certainly, but they're not bad, and I like the band's willingness to experiment with new genres. They don't want to keep putting out the same album endlessly, and that's a good thing! I love Hybrid Theory to pieces, but if I want Hybrid Theory I can just listen to Hybrid Theory again. 'Breaking the Habit' would never have existed if they hadn't been prepared to go lighter than their 'signature' sound, 'Guilty All the Same' would never have existed if they hadn't been prepared to go heavier, and both songs are fantastic.

I mean, yes, sometimes they make genuinely bizarre decisions (did you really release a concept album designed to be listened to from beginning to end in 2010, you maniacs?), but their willingness to take risks has resulted in a huge, diverse, interesting collection of tracks. I like 'Crawling' and I adore 'Numb', but they're very similar songs, and it would be unbearable if they'd just been releasing songs in the same style for the last seventeen years. I wouldn't love 'Numb' nearly so much if they'd diluted its impact with a hundred songs that sound exactly the same. So, even if I'll happily listen to that song ten times in a row, I'm glad One More Light is something new, rather than 'Numb' Again, Ten More Times.

Wait, I'm not supposed to be talking seriously about music. I'm supposed to be daydreaming about scenarios inspired by that music video. Chester and his duplicate, circling each other warily. Getting under each other's skin (CRAAAAAWLING etc.). Maybe angrily making out a little. Look, it's not as if nobody knew I was thinking it; I might as well say it out loud.

Incidentally, this weird but endearing clip, which I assume was born of Mike being insecure about his height, is the most strangely beautiful I've ever seen Chester being (from the moment he stops stooping). Apparently 'filmed slightly from below, in profile, in black and white' is his best angle.

why have I got it so bad for Chester Bennington

this is EXTREMELY EMBARRASSING
kaberett: Overlaid Mars & Venus symbols, with Swiss Army knife tools at other positions around the central circle. (Default)
[personal profile] kaberett
[Content notes: living with trauma, basically]

A thread that keeps coming up in speculative fiction I'm reading at the moment (which is probably more indicative of what I'm seeking out than any publishing trends?) is the necessity for artificial intelligences to have emotions, in order to facilitate making arbitrary choices (the Imperial Radch; the Wayfarers; ...). Logic alone isn't adequate for a complex responsive intelligence: they'd stall out agonising over minutiae.

I've also been having a fair few (they say, wryly) conversations around emotional reactions and responses to contexts and events. I've known for a long time that going "okay, but that's not what's going on, here's a coherent model for my actions and behaviour and motivations that demonstrates that the thing you're scared of isn't actually happening" doesn't actually seem to have as much effect on most people's decision-making and behaviour as I'd (naively) expect. And then yesterday my interlocutor said: doesn't impact how I feel about the thing ;-) just what I logically conclude

... and -- oh. oh. Between the BPD or c-PTSD or whatever and the depression, I've in fact had to spend a lot of time working on... precisely that, right? I have to spend a lot of time and energy directing myself away from reacting based on compelling emotional "truths" and toward responding based on logical frameworks. I don't have to act as though people I'm close to want me to vanish absolutely from their lives unless they directly tell me that in fact they have changed their mind and they do*. For me, having a logical framework that contradicts my emotional understanding of the world doesn't stop me having feelings. It just -- informs what I do with them? I can free up a lot of processing power because I stop "having to" worry about how accurate they are, how much I should be taking them into account, whether I should be acting based on them. The solution to the feelings then becomes self-validation ("wow yep feeling like this is pretty rubbish, have some hot chocolate and do some stretches"), rather than their being an additional constraint I have to try to solve for, that's usually mutually exclusive with what other people are actually telling me they want.

"This information changes what I logically conclude about the situation" seems to be pretty powerful for me in a way that, as far as I can tell, it perhaps isn't for many folk? And I'm just... amused by having fitted together a model for why "no, that's not what's happening" doesn't do what I expect, that is superficially such a contradiction to the fiction.

I think it isn't, of course: this is how emotion interacts with making big decisions, not trivial ones. I'm simultaneously (still) exploring the potential of having unjustified or arbitrary preferences, particularly in the context of modern art. Just: goodness, but the inherently contradictory nature of existing. Think, two things on their own and both at once.

* Yes, we're aware that puts them in potentially awkward positions, but we've negotiated this very carefully in specific instances where I get the strongest compulsions to Just Vanish.

In The Memory You'll Find Me.

Jul. 9th, 2017 03:00 pm
rionaleonhart: twewy: joshua kiryu is being fabulously obnoxious and he knows it. (is that so?)
[personal profile] rionaleonhart
Cut for a couple of GIFs (it will shock you to learn they're of Linkin Park) )


I'm not planning to put GIFs in all of my entries from now on, I swear. I'm breaking the habit tonight. But somehow I can't stop staring at sweat-soaked, exhausted Chester and Mike, and I'm popping these here to facilitate that staring. Send help.

I'm not tinhatting, I should clarify. I'm not even 'shipping them romantically. That's a genuine promise, as opposed to the insubstantial 'I know very well I can't be trusted' promise that I won't end up writing a terrible Linkin Park/Pokémon crossover. I think they love each other a lot; I absolutely don't think they're pining desperately over each other, held apart by the evil record industry. But I do feel their dynamic is adorable, and, I'll be honest, I find Chester unsettlingly attractive in these GIFs.

My first reaction on looking up pictures of Linkin Park was 'huh, Chester's got a bit of a weird face, hasn't he?' His face still looks slightly odd to me. And yet.

(My last celebrity crush was Charlie Brooker, so maybe I'm exclusively attracted to people with weird faces. Mike's right there next to him, being all handsome, but my tastes refuse to make sense.)

My promise not to write a terrible Pokémon crossover is now looking more insubstantial than ever. I cannot believe nobody told me about this exchange on Chester Bennington's Twitter.

Fan: if lp never got together, what career would you have pursued?
Chester: Pokémon trainer
Fan: if not Picachu, who will be your favorite?
Chester: bulbasaur

Oh, God, he even included the accent on 'Pokémon'. I think I'm in love. I was already trying not to write fanfiction about your Pokémon-training adventures, Chester; don't do this to me!

(Although Chester's taste in Pokémon cannot be faulted, Bulbasaur can't learn Roar, which scuppers my 'every Pokémon in his team knows Roar' suggestion. I suppose his Bulbasaur could know Growl, at least. Oh, hey, it can learn Echoed Voice via TM!)

And Your Voice Was All I Heard.

Jul. 8th, 2017 11:23 pm
rionaleonhart: kingdom hearts: riku, blindfolded and smiling slightly. (we'll be the darkness)
[personal profile] rionaleonhart


strangely adorable Linkin Park GIF from linkinparkftw on Tumblr. Some of you may already have seen this, as I put it in the comments of my last post, but too bad; it's cute and I want it in an entry.


Linkin Park is still happening to me. I'm very sorry.

A couple of my favourite short clips from my apparent quest to watch every Linkin Park video on YouTube: I very much enjoyed Chester talking about his most embarrassing experience on stage while Mike cracks up (from this interview, about forty seconds in), and this extremely silly acoustic version of Numb (I'm so sad that the full version is nowhere to be found, but Chester's stupid dancing is brightening my day).

I'm finding it a little difficult to pin Chester down as a 'character', which I suppose makes sense, as he's not a character; he's a person. A few things do stand out. He's very openly affectionate; he talks a lot about how much he loves the band and his bandmates and his family. For all the anger in his singing, I've only seen him express anger in an interview once, talking about fans who call the band 'sell-outs' for experimenting with new styles, and he reflected on his comments and apologised a couple of weeks later.

Chester Bennington is intense and ridiculous and apparently possessed of boundless energy, he's built his career on screaming, and yet one of the first words that came to mind when I tried to list out his characteristics was 'quiet'. Is he quiet? Is that right? It seems unlikely. One of the first non-music videos of him I watched was an interview where the interviewer focused much more on Mike, which started me off with the probable misconception that Chester was shy, when in fact he just wasn't having much directed at him to respond to. Maybe the 'quiet' in my head is a holdover from that?

I'm still not going to write fanfiction. I'm not going to do it. My RPF days are behind me. I'm just trying to pin down the band members' characteristics as an innocent mental exercise. Don't give me that look.

A couple of specific fics I'm not going to write:

- Pokémon AU. Chester has a Loudred and every Pokémon in his team knows Roar.
- Supernatural AU where Dean is secretly a huge Linkin Park fan, he uses a haunting as an excuse to go to a gig, and he is very confused when Linkin Park take care of the haunting themselves. Turns out they're actually a team of hunters, fighting ghosts using the power of song somehow. This is an atrocious concept.
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